Friday, 10 July 2009

• Take the civility kwizz

                  
  
   My son Christopher works as a waiter to support his musical habit....
  and he came home last night pretty bummed out by the number of rude idiots he had to wait on...
  it seemed like everybody was acting out.......   
   
   It seems the days of civility, politeness, courtesy and manners has somehow faded into the abyss....
  ------------ most people experience rude and discourteous behavior on a daily basis ----------
  and I must say that I often respond to rude people IN KIND.
  
   If I say "good morning " to someone, and they ignore me, I will repeat it louder, and look them in the face until they respond.
  
  If someone throws my change at me, I'll let it drop on the floor -
  
  If someone doesn't say "thank you", I'll say "You're welcome!" -
  
  If someone cuts me off, I'll be sure to return the favor if the opportunity presents itself.
  
  If someone uses loud music to make me uncomfortable, I've always got an amp that's 1 louder. 
   
  
                                         
  
   For me, this is a basic rule of the jungle -
      -----  you don't let someone piss on your leg, then make fun of you 'cause your pants are wet.
  
   Everyone that's got any sense knows that most rude people are just trying to project something
  that they really are not - (tough, confident, proud) - -- 
  
  
  --------------     others, of course, are just too STUPID to know better. 
  
                   
   
  
     Part of the problem is that many people today weren't even taught the basics of manners -
  
  while others feel that unless there is some legal imperative that says they HAVE to do it, -  they ain't fuckin' doing it.
  
                                                              
    You look at a PacMan Jones, for instance - he has no real skill set for acting in a civil fashion...
  for years the only expectation of him was: he play footbaw.
  
   He doesn't have a little voice in HIS head saying : "don't shoot up that strip joint" -
  the only male role models he had growing up were hoodlums and bad-attitude athletes...
  so, who did he emulate?   Both!
  
   So.. I've come up with this Civility Test, so you'll be prepared in case someone is rude to YOU.
  The tricky part is, there are three answers to each question: you don't just have to pick the RIGHT thing to do...
  you ALSO have to pick what I would do, and what would be done if there was any justice in the world. Got the idea?
  
  Alrighty then..........
  
  
  Lets try one and see if you're ready......
  
  Question:  You're Christmas shopping for yer old Uncle Nuts...
  and since you waited until the last minute before you realized you should've gotten him something -
  (you shoulda, you know... something like a new Harley... just a suggestion...) 
   you're in a bind...
   and the last "Tickle Me Elmo" is the in clutches of some rude old lady who ran over your foot with her cart 
   and pushed you outta the way to get it. 
  
   Do you.....
  
  a: beat up the old lady, knock her down and tell her she'll need a "Bandage Me Seymour" now instead
  b: go to your nearest friendly Harley Davidson dealer and ask to see the brand new 2009 Harley Davidsons
  c: distract the old broad by telling her there's a blue light special on Fixodent on aisle 12
  d: smile, say pardon-me, and then steal her purse 
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  How was that?  Feel good?  Alrighty, then..... bend over - I'll drive.  
  
  
   
  1: You see PacMan Jones grabbin' your stripper girlfriend's ass at the place she works.
  do you.....
  
  a: Get him to autograph her ass for you
  b: Shoot him before he shoots you
  c: Shoot HER before he gets any
  d: Challenge him to a car race down the Las Vegas Strip
  e: Tell him "what happens in Vegas-stays in Vegas", THEN shoot him.
  f: Stop going out with strippers
  g: Get the manager to ask him politely to leave, after which he shoots the place up.
  
  (See, ain't this FUN? Let's try another!)
  
  
  2: The three womens in front of you and your date at the movies are loudly talking on
  their cellphones... do you......
  
  a: Go to a drive-in instead
  b: Throw popcorn at them, a kernel at a time
  c: Throw popcorn at them, a bucket at a time
  d: Throw chewed-up wrigleys spearmint into their hair
  e: Stop going out with strippers
  f: Get the manager to ask them politely to stop, after which they argue loudly with him
  for the rest of the movie
  g: Replace their cellphone ringtone with a "Karma Charmelion" ringtone.
  h: Stop going out with strippers
  
  
  3: At the Chinese restaurant, you hold the door for a couple, and noone evens grunts at
  you, do you:
  
  a: Say "No tippee necessary, me honorable door-holder"
  b: Blow straw wrappers at them when nobody's looking
  c: Blow straw wrappers at them when everybody's looking
  d: Get the manager to put extra MSG in their Moo Goo Gai Pan
  e: Say "Excuse Me" and leave it at that
  f: Hit the guy in the ass with the door - you weren't hungry anyway
  g: Stop going out with strippers
  
  
  4: A waitress rolls her eyes when you ask what the specials are. Do you:
  
  a: tell her you're an eye surgeon, and that she should really have "THAT" looked at
  b: tell her you're a tree surgeon, and offer to impale her on a stump
  c: say "pardon me, did I do something to offend you?"
  d: say "never mind, it's probably as awful as the service in here anyway.."
  e: put a pile of cigarette butts on top of her tip
  f: brush the underside of her tip with Mu Shu Sauce
  g: .....what tip?
  h : replace her cellphone ringtone with a "Karma Charmelion" ringtone.
  i: Stop going out with strippers
  
  
  5: The idiot behind the photo counter has lost your pictures, and shrugs. Do you:
  
  a: Ask him how long he's been a hunchback
  b: Ask him how long he's been a moron
  c: Ask him how long it will be before they find your pictures,
  and steady yourself for another shrug
  d: Tell him "it's just as well, the less evidence the better" and walk away
  e: Tell him not to be surprised if he wakes up in the middle of the night,
  and you're standing next to his bed with two chainsaws and some Saran Wrap.
  f: get a digital camera; it's the 21st century, for chrissakes!
  g: stop going out with exotic dancers
  
  
  6: A guy with a Maryland license plate almost runs into you cutting you off. Do you:
  
  a: Tell him to go 'back up NAWTH- you damn Yankee' (Oh, they LOVE that!)
  b: Ignore him - Roll your eyes and go on with life  
  c: Honk your horn long and hard so people'll think you're from up there too.... 
  d: Ignore him - 'cause technically, Maryland is SOUTH of the bunky line......
  e: Blow him up with your kid's lazer gun (the Doctor said it would help.....)
  f: Blow him up with a REAL lazer gun you stole from Area 51.
  g: Stop going out with 'entertainers' (strippers)
  
  
  7: A woman in an SUV is making an illegal U-turn, blocking traffic, and talking on
  her cellphone. do you:
  
  a: roll your eyes and go on with life
  b: look for the fat guy and the hot dog stand
  c: stop going out with strippers
  d: blast "Karma Charmelion: on your stereo at her
  e: say something about her poor husband
  f: suggest she stop going out with strippers
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
   Hey - you're doing great......  only 2 more to go.........
  
  
  
  8: You're at the gym.... some asshole is washing his balls in the sink, instead of using the privacy showers.  Do you:
  a: ask him if he needs a magnifying glass
  b: ask him if he's waiting for a prostate exam
  c: suggest a cure for crabs and that he stop going out with strippers
  d: take something for nausea
  e: beat him up and leave his body in one of the lockers
  
  
  
  
  9: The guy showing his girlfriend "how to shoot" at the pistol range has just swung his jammed .9mm offrange (toward you) to unjam it. Do you:
  
  a: roll your eyes and hope to go on with your life (you do that a lot, don't ya?)
  b: shoot him and call it self defense
  c: shoot him and call it a service to humanity
  d: suggest his girlfriend date someone LESS intelligent
  e: duck behind her and wait for the inevitable
  f:  stop going out with strippers

  
  Well, How'd you do?
  
  Yeah, I know question 7 had NO right answers, but it happens so much, I was just hopin I'd come up with something..... oh well, maybe next time. 
  
  
  
  
                                              
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

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